My first STD was from a foam party
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
