Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
