I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
