i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Randomize
