So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
