She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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