why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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