So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
