I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I don't deserve a penis
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
