hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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