I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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