she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize