We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
