Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
