I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
All the doctor said was why
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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