please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
