it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
