If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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