If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
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