My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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