What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
