you guys were way drunker than both of me
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
