new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
