Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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