I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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