i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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