just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You may now shotgun with the bride
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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