Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
