Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
