so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
