Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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