I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
