I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
