final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
we should paint friendship bongs
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