I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
