I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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