Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
