I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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