Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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