i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
