how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
