Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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