fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
