nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
