boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
