Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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