Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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