I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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