So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
