I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
