do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
She needs sedatives and a leash
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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