my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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