why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
