I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
