so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Every concussion has its silver lining
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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