I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize