I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
