dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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