alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
my being single is dangerous.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize