He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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