new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I skipped work to stalk him.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
