There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
