Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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